This one had me cracking up
#91
07-25-2007, 12:04 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,
Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,
Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
#92
07-25-2007, 12:05 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Nine words women use
[/b]
1}Fine[/b] : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2}Five Minutes [/b]: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3}Nothing[/b] : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4}Go Ahead[/b] : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5}Loud Sigh[/b] : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6}That's Okay[/b] : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7}Thanks[/b] : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8}Whatever[/b] : Is a women's way of saying DAMN YOU!
9}Don't worry about it, I got it[/b]: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3
[ol][/ol]
#93
07-25-2007, 04:14 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
cl8ton you are on a roll - those are great !
I only have one to contribute - a t-shirt that I saw yesterday. It said - - -
"I'm not a gynocologist, but I'd be happy to take a look."
Rolomac
I only have one to contribute - a t-shirt that I saw yesterday. It said - - -
"I'm not a gynocologist, but I'd be happy to take a look."
Rolomac
#95
07-26-2007, 07:39 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
THE POKER PLAYER
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he
bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house thisafternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he
bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house thisafternoon on his way home and pay me back.
#96
07-26-2007, 04:38 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
Back during the days of the Clinton administration, Bill and Hillary attended a Red Sox game. Seated in their special box and surrounded by security, they waited for the game to start. The manager of the Red Sox was seen to approach the president and whispered in his ear. Bill shook his head and said, "No, I couldn't do that." The manager was then heard to say, "Please, Mr. President, it would really please the fans as well as the players." "Well, alright then," said President Bill. He stood up, grabbed Hillary by the collar and by the seat of the pants and threw her out of the presidential box and out into the field. The fans went crazy! The cheering went on and on, as the manager said to the president, "No sir, I wanted you to throw out the first PITCH !
Rolomac
Rolomac
#98
07-27-2007, 07:29 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
George Carlin's Latest... I love this guy! Still have all of his recorded performances in the 70's ... on records no less.
[blockquote]
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days – mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water.There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket – water, but without that watery taste.Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink.You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.That's your flavoured water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, decidingno, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***.And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.It's one of the seven deadly sins.ESPN recently televised the U.S.Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms.If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months."27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
[/align][/blockquote]
[blockquote]
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days – mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water.There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket – water, but without that watery taste.Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink.You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.That's your flavoured water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, decidingno, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***.And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.It's one of the seven deadly sins.ESPN recently televised the U.S.Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms.If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months."27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
[/align][/blockquote]
#99
07-31-2007, 08:48 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work,stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!
