A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from hisgrandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his
newlocation. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom
halfof the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It
says, ....
Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your
nose look short.
Love, Grams

 

Jeff owns a convenience store in a small country town. One day, a man comes in to buy a gallon of milk, and Jeff notices a tiny little man perched on his shoulder, yelling obsceneties and being, in general, a jerk. Thinking it would be offensive to ask about it,he goes about his business. A few moments later, the man walks up to the counter and Jeff rings up the milk for $2.47. The man reaches in his pocket without looking and pulls out exact change. As he's grabbing the milk and walking out the door, hetouches the leg of the man on his shoulder, who, for the first time since they entered the store, gets completely silent, and immediately gets stiff as a board and slides right off his shoulder and onto the floor with a thud.

Years and years go by, and the man becomes a regular customer in Jeff's store. Every time, no matter what he buys, he reaches in his pocket and pulls out exact change. Every time. For years. Also, every time he touches the tiny man on his shoulder, his whole body immediately tenses up and he falls to the floor.

Eventually, Jeff has to know what's going on. "Sir, you've been coming here for years, and I've never wanted to offend you or your friend, but can you explain how you always have exact change every time you're here? And who is the man on your shoulder?"

"Well, several years ago, I stumbled across a genie's lamp. When I rubbed it, he appeared and gave me three wishes. The first was to be able to leave my life in New York City and start over in a small country town. The second was to always have exactly enough money for anything I ever wanted to buy. And, as my final wish, I asked for a 12 inch ***** that gets hard on contact."

 

Abrunette walks into a doctors office. The receptionist asks her if she has an appointment. Thebrunette says no but i think i have a very serious illness. The receptionist lets thebrunette see the doctor after after a small wait period. The brunette walks in and sits down. Thedoctor asks,"well young lady what seems to be this serious illness you appear to be suffering from?" To which the brunette replies, "well doctor i think i mayhave a serious disease, Everywhere i touch it hurts."Thedoctor says," what do you mean?" The brunette then proceeds to touch random parts of her body with her finger and says ouch! every time she does. The doctor then replies to the brunette,"young lady were you originally blonde?" The brunette replies," why yes doctor how did you know?" The doctor then says," your finger is broken."

 

Old People are Great

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human
kindness. Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor ,
Florida , forwarded the following letter The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize
and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
[/align][/align]
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :[/align]
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I
am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.[/align] God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.[/align][/align]My roommate is 95and has always had her own radio, but before[/align]I received one, she wouldnever let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.[/align]
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ***.[/align]
Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,[/align]
Edna[/align]

 

An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would
behave if
she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't
be a
problem, that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay
there.

She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her
shoulder and
went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began,
the
parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total
embarrassment!

The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following
solution, If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing
him
around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church, and sure enough,
just
as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "its goddamned cold in
here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him
around 5
times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty
damn windy, too!

 

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,"I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again."

The milkman asked,"Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said,"No, just up to my *****. I can splash it on my face".

 

Blond Jokes ! I love blond Jokes!!

A blonde was listening to the watching the local news and weather during a nasty winter storm. The announcer said, "This is going to be a bad storm and the city is asking all citizens to help by parking their cars on the odd number side of the street to fascilitate snow removal." So she ran out and moved her RX-7 to the odd side of the street.
Next night she was again tuned in to the news and the announcer said, " The storm is continuing and the city is again asking all citizens to help by moving their cars to the even number side of the street to fascilitate snow removal." So she ran out and moved her RX-7 to the even side.
Next night the storm was continuing to rage and she again tuned in to the weather. The announcer said, "This is the mother of all storms. Doesn't seem to be letting up and the city is asking all citizens to help by moving their cars to the - - -."
Poof! the power went out - the tv went dark - and she was bewildered.
She ran to her husband and told him - "First they wanted me to park on the odd side so I did, and then they wanted me to move to the even side so I did, and now the power is out and I don't know what to do."
"Honey," said her husband, "Maybe you should just leave it in the garage."

Rolomac

 

LOL, I have to give this one to my wife... who's a Blond..

 

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End
[/align]

 

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. A moment later he stop s and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ***?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ***."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
[/align]