One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausagecompany president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings themout intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situationbecame desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Dauphin-Yorkton rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Yorkton old-timers had extinguished thefire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage companypresident joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of The brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event onfilm asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,.....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f-----g truck."

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.



As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the

devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'



Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'



Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down

here. You a drinking man?'



Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's

all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,Tab,

and Fresca.. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some

more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover,

because you're dead anyway.'



Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'



Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest

cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you

get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, rememb er?'



Guy: Wow...that's awesome!'



Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.

Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go

bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'



Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'



Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'



Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a

great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a

doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you
want.

You're dead so who cares.'



Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'







Satan: 'You gay?'



Guy: 'No...'



Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

 

Note on the fridge, for wife from her husband:

SOMEONE FROM THE GYNA COLLEGES CALLED YOU,
THEY SAID THE PABST BEER IS FINE!
GEE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU LIKE BEER

 

Great ones! Thanks, cl8ton.

rolomac

 

No Problem
Sorting through a bunch more... I was on holidays the last 2 weeks and the mail box was full so I will forward the "good ones"

 

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

 

[blockquote]

[blockquote]

Subject: Living Will... [/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."[/align][/align][/blockquote]
[blockquote]

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch!!!![/align][/align][/blockquote][/align][/align][/blockquote]

 

A man was hiking through the hills and moors near the Scottish Monroe Mtns,
when he stopped for a drink at a mountain stream.

An old shepherd shouted to him, "Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle
laddie, 'tis poorly wi' the dregs o ma cattle."
(don't drink the water, sir, it's full of cow ****)

"I'll have you know I'm English," said the man snottily, "please address me
with the King's English, you heathen."

"Yes, sir!" said the shepherd, "I said, 'Use both hands, you will be able to
get more in your mouth.' "

Rolomac

 

Sent that one to a friend in England...


[/color]A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went
to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
[/color][/color]
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the *****, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem.
[/size]


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son,
isyour Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin'
her boyfriend."

[color=#800040][size=3]The minister fainted.[color=#ff00ff]

 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,




"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
[/align][/align]


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
[/align][/align]