Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said "Take a sweater."

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd
like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ***!"

 

hahaha all of those were good. clayton you are good with those arent you lol. where the hell do you find em

 

I have to keep looking busy at work don't I?
Actually the last 3 came from customers of ours. It's amazing how many jokes we get in a day.
Have a Good Evening

 

lol i hear you i attempt to keep busy at work hehe

 

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even thoughit sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in themiddle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road.
The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door andonly then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw acurve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a handsuddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every timethe car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump outof the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm allthe way to the nearest town.
Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shakenguy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the barabout the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car withno driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening tothis eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was tellingthe truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said tothe other, "Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there's the arshole who got intothe car while we were pushing it!"



Happy Halloween!

 

hahah LOLLLLL thats sooo good

 

Zero To 180 In 6 Seconds


Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told
him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less than 6
seconds . . . AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"



The next morning Rick got up early and left for
work. When his wife woke up she looked out the
window and sure
enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of
the driveway.
Puzzled, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and
brought the box back in the house.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.



Rick has been missing since Friday.



Please pray for him . . .

 

LMFAOO. oh my god cl8ton you got some good ones. i guess you guys get bored at work and then these go.. okay i got one
soo one day little jimmy is walking down the hall and he goes to his mom and dads bedroom. he sees dad just giving it to mom so he runs away shocked. and then the mom and dad finish their buisness and the dad goes to check on little jimmy. soo little jimmys dad walks down the hall only to find little jimmy in grandmas room giving it to grandma. and the dad goes "jimmy what are you doing?! and little jimmy goes "SEE you dont like when someones f**king your mother do you. HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE. (GOT that from a guy at work hehe.)

 

Last night I got to thinking about how bad things are - drought, floods, diseases, gas prices, lay offs, foreclosures, and on and on and I got really depressed. I was actually starting to have suicidal thoughts. Fortunately I still had my wits about me and called the suicide prevention hot line. Imagine my surprise when I got a recorded message saying that they had out-sourced the suicide prevention services to a company in Afganistan. After a moment or two a pleasant voice came on the line, "Good evening, my name is Mujibar. How might I assist you in your troubles?" Well, I explained my feelings to Mujibar and told him I was actually thinking about suicide. "Excellent," he responded, "Can you fly an airplane?"

Bad huh?

Rolomac