A duck went into a drug store. He approached the pharmacist and in his Donald Duck voice asked for a condom. The pharmacist stepped away and came back with a foil wrapped condom. "Should I put it on your bill?" he asked. The duck replied, "What kind of duck do you think I am?".

Rolomac

 

hahaha lol to the duck one

 

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and

listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God

bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said,

"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her

prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the

father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God

bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at

the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,

had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end

of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and

jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's

the matter?

"He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst

day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened

to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the **** out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

 

hahaha!! thats funny! simple and great!

 

Yesterday I stopped at a little cafe down the street from where I work to have lunch. They had a new waitress I hadn't seen before but she seemed to be trying to get the hang of it. I ordered soup and sandwich and started to read my paper. Waitress brought my coffee and when she put it in front of me I noticed that she was holding the cup in a strange way - had her thumb over the rim and into the coffee. I was a little irritated but didn't say anything. She's new. Then when she brought my soup I noticed that in the same way - she had her thumb over the rim of the bowl and into the hot soup. Well, I had to say something to her about it. Told her I noticed her thumb in both my coffee and my soup. She smiled sweetly and said, "I have arthritis in that joint of my thumb and the doctor tells me heat will sooth it. It does seem to help, too." I have to confess that I lost my temper, and I said, "Why don't you just stick it up your butt?" She smiled sweetly again and replied, "I do - when I'm back in the kitchen."

Rolomac

 

hahahaha lol

 

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, " Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!"

Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello.."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and he slammed down the phone. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a **** head!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '**** head' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a **** head!"
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '**** head' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this I John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a **** head!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and stole the spot I had patiently waited for. I honked the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot - he just gave me the finger! However, he had a For Sale on his side windows, with his phone number! I wrote it down.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first **** head (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW **** head, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and the car's parked right out in front."
So I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don , can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're a **** head!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem: I had two **** heads to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called **** head #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're a **** head!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "**** head, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, **** head," and hung up.
Then I called **** head #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, **** head."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...."
I said, "You'll what?"
He said, "I'll kick your ***."
I answered, "Well, **** head, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two **** heads beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.