Just for Jaimie



Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for
you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, yet you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much
warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. Except now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell's frozen over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

 

OOOH!! i got a joke.. but its dirty.. can i post it????

 

LMFAOOOOO CLAYTON that was good man. but must i remind you of whooo won saturday... 3-0 toronto shut out ottawa. YEAAAAAAA. but that was still funny i enjoyed that. and speedy go for it.

 

there was a couple sitting outside watching the stars, when suddenly a spaceship landed down and two aliens came out. after assuring they came in peace, the two couples sat down to talk about each other's planets. the night came to a near end and the couples came up with an idea.

"since we will never get a chance like this again, why don't we switch partners for one night?" said the human couple to the aliens.

the aliens agreed and they swapped partners.

later that night the human female was getting ready for interstellar sex. the male alien dropped his trousers and she saw that he had a tiny *****. he told her "if you want it longer, you can just pull my ears until it's the size you like."

she pulled and pulled until it was long as she desired. but the ***** was still too thin.

"you can bop me on my nose and make it as fat as you like," said the alien.

she bopped and bopped until it was the thickness she desired. after all that, they had sex all night.

the next morning the human male asked his mate "how was last night"

"it was amazing! how about you honey?"

"horrible! the bitch kept pulling my ears and bopping my nose!"

 

My brother owns a furniture store and recently went on a buying trip to Mexico, hoping to pick up on some really nice hand-crafted pieces. He did quite well and was able to establish a lucrative contract with a manufacturer in Mexico City. He was feeling quite pleased with himself and decided to treat himself to a nice dinner. With the help of the desk clerk at his hotel he found a really nice and elegant restaurant in the "artsie" part of town. It was quite busy but there was one table available that he was seated at. Looking around, he realized that the other chair at his table for two was the only open seat in the restaurant and he noticed a very pretty young Mexican girl looking at it from the entryway. He waved to get her attention and pointedtoward the chair and gestured an invitation for her to join him. She smiled and came to sit at his table and thanked him - in Spanish. Well, my brother doesn't speak Spanish and she spoke no English so there was a moment of awkward silence. He tried hand gestures but obviouslyshe didn't understand those either. Then he got an inspiration. He picked up a napkin and with his pen, drew a picture of acocktail glass, indicating that he would like to buy her a drink. She smiled and nodded. Aftertheir first round, he pointed to the napkin again, asking if she would like another. She agreed and they found that the drinks made the situation more fun and they enjoyed trying to communicate. Then my brother offered to buy her dinner by drawing a picture of a dinner plate and she accepted. The had a great dinner together with wine - offered to her by drawing a picture of a wine bottle. After dinner, my brother drew a picture of a couple dancing - asking if she would like to dance. She smiled her acceptance and they moved to the lounge area ofthe restaurant and he found her to be an excellent dancer. The music and drinks and intimacy of the dancing drew them closer together and they found themselves enjoying each other's company in spite of the language difficulty.As a song ended, they found themselves near one of the tables and the pretty young lady picked up a napkin from it and gestured that she needed to use my brother's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a bed and handed it to him with aquestioning look on her face.

He never could figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

 

I Like E'M!!!

 

LMAOOOO. those are good ones bahaha. ohhh wow

 

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usualroute. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in thedriveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," theUPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. , we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"

The UPS man thinks a moment and sa ys, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?'"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time witha sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, " I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came upseven times..."

 

HAHAHAHA. everyone bangs the milkman and the ups guy LOL

 

Why is air like sex?

Because it is no big deal until you're not getting any.