This one had me cracking up
#221
11-27-2007, 03:38 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ..
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
[/align]4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
[/align]
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
[/align]4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
[/align]
#222
11-27-2007, 03:48 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
This one looks familier but.......[/align][/align][/align]WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.
[/align]
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.
[/align]
#223
11-27-2007, 03:51 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: cl8ton
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ..
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
[/align]4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
[/align]
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ..
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
[/align]4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
[/align]
#224
11-27-2007, 03:53 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
#225
11-28-2007, 09:19 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,
Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"what'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
[/align]
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,
Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"what'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
[/align]
#226
11-28-2007, 09:55 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
#227
11-28-2007, 11:08 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
So I got in a fight today
I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew then it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was aDWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
[/align]That's how the fight started...
[/align]
I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew then it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was aDWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
[/align]That's how the fight started...
[/align]
#228
11-28-2007, 04:43 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
I stopped for a beer on my way home from work last night. Sitting there minding my own business and enjoying my beer. Then this slinky blond who I had noticed before slipped up beside me and whispered in my ear, "For fifty bucks I'll do anything you want." I thought about it for a while and then fished in my wallet for the money and whispered back to her, "Paint my house?"
Rolomac
Rolomac
#229
11-28-2007, 04:47 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
LMFAO too all of thoes.. yours was awesome rolomac. but i found the funniest one was the dwarf one.. it took me a second to get it then i was like LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
#230
11-30-2007, 07:34 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve
that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the **** Optic Nerve, and it is responsible
for giving people a ****ty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try pulling a hair from your ****
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the **** Optic Nerve, and it is responsible
for giving people a ****ty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try pulling a hair from your ****
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.