This one had me cracking up
#232
12-04-2007, 07:34 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.
Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter
and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother
said.
Carol walked down the str eet to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER
AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.
Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter
and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother
said.
Carol walked down the str eet to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER
AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
#233
12-04-2007, 07:43 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
Three guys died and went to heaven on Christmas Eve. St. Peter was waiting at the pearly gates and informed them that since it was Christmas Eve they would have to show him some symbol of their Christmas spirit in order to enter. All three thought about it a minute and then one got an idea. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys to his Miata and rattled them. "Jingle bells?" he said. St. Peter frowned but muttered, "Well, OK." and let him through the gate. This inspired the second one and he dug in his pocket and pulled out his cigarette lighter. He flicked it and when it flamed, he said, "Christmas candle?" St Peter grumbled but said, "Oh all right." and let him through the gate. The poor third guy was stumped. He didn't smoke and didn't have his car keys with him, but dug in his pockets to see what else he could come up with. He pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter had been watching and said, "What's that?" "Oh," said the guy, "these are Carol's". St. Peter groaned and said, "OK, go on in."
Rolomac
Rolomac
#234
12-05-2007, 09:07 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,'While you're in there, you mig ht as well get my hat and the credit card
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,'While you're in there, you mig ht as well get my hat and the credit card
#236
12-10-2007, 10:26 AM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
I stopped at a grocery store on my way home from work the other night to pick up a six pack of beer. I got my beer and got in line for the "six items or less" check out. Right in front of me was a heavy set man with a grocery cart loaded with a HUGE bag of Purina dog chow. I mean this bag was gigantic! Friendly guy - he smiled as a moved up behind him and I commented, "You must have some big dog." He replied, "Oh, no, I don't have a dog - this is for me." He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face because he explained, "It's the Purina diet. This stuff is nutritionally complete and actually doesn't taste too bad. Add water and it makes its own gravy. Last time I was on the diet I actually lost over 50 pounds. I figure that I'll try it again, now that I've recovered from the last time. I'll just be more careful this time." I was shocked. "Recovered?" I asked. "Yes", he said, "I woke up in the hospital with IVs in both arms and my family gathered around like they thought I was dying. It wasn't the dog chow though, I just stepped off the curb to smell an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both."
Rolomac
Rolomac
#237
12-11-2007, 03:46 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Getting even
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet
decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The
vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet
'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who
the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even...
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet
decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The
vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet
'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who
the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even...
#238
12-11-2007, 11:07 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
Getting the last word - - - reminds me
My wife and I were talking just the other night and I told her that if I die first, I don't want her to re-marry. She asked, "Why not?" and I told her quite firmly that "I don't want some other a_ _ hole getting all my good stuff - - my Mazda and everything." She replied, "What makes you think I'd marry another a_ _ hole?"
Rolomac
My wife and I were talking just the other night and I told her that if I die first, I don't want her to re-marry. She asked, "Why not?" and I told her quite firmly that "I don't want some other a_ _ hole getting all my good stuff - - my Mazda and everything." She replied, "What makes you think I'd marry another a_ _ hole?"
Rolomac
#239
12-12-2007, 10:17 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
WARNING! Graphic Joke!!!
3 vampires walk into a bar.
The 1st one sits and orders a glass of hot blood, the 2nd sits and orders a glass of cold blood.
When the 3rd one sits down she orders a glass of hot water.
The bartender questions why the vampire would order hot water instead of blood. She reaches down and pulls out a tampon and says, "I want tea."[/align]
3 vampires walk into a bar.
The 1st one sits and orders a glass of hot blood, the 2nd sits and orders a glass of cold blood.
When the 3rd one sits down she orders a glass of hot water.
The bartender questions why the vampire would order hot water instead of blood. She reaches down and pulls out a tampon and says, "I want tea."[/align]
