This one had me cracking up
#241
12-12-2007, 10:29 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: rolomac
Getting the last word - - - reminds me
My wife and I were talking just the other night and I told her that if I die first, I don't want her to re-marry. She asked, "Why not?" and I told her quite firmly that "I don't want some other a_ _ hole getting all my good stuff - - my Mazda and everything." She replied, "What makes you think I'd marry another a_ _ hole?"
Rolomac
Getting the last word - - - reminds me
My wife and I were talking just the other night and I told her that if I die first, I don't want her to re-marry. She asked, "Why not?" and I told her quite firmly that "I don't want some other a_ _ hole getting all my good stuff - - my Mazda and everything." She replied, "What makes you think I'd marry another a_ _ hole?"
Rolomac
#242
12-12-2007, 01:47 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Toronto area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Toronto area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
#243
12-12-2007, 03:32 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: cl8ton
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Ottawa area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Ottawa Senators hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Ottawa area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Ottawa Senators hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
#245
12-13-2007, 07:30 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: jaimie08mazda3
there ya go cl8ton.. all fixed up for you.. BTW in all seriousness. if you come to canada dont do 50 KM/HR over or your cars gone for a week and licence gone for a week as well
ORIGINAL: cl8ton
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Ottawa area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Ottawa Senators hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Ottawa area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Ottawa Senators hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
Will printyour versionoff and hang it on the Bulliten board.Will let you know what happens Jaimie
#246
12-14-2007, 09:10 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: cl8ton
I was in Oakville on the weekend and was amazed at how many people are still doing 50 over the speed limit. At one point on the QEW we were doing 130 and there were people a lot older than me blowing by us.
Will printyour versionoff and hang it on the Bulliten board.Will let you know what happens Jaimie
ORIGINAL: jaimie08mazda3
there ya go cl8ton.. all fixed up for you.. BTW in all seriousness. if you come to canada dont do 50 KM/HR over or your cars gone for a week and licence gone for a week as well
ORIGINAL: cl8ton
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Ottawa area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Ottawa Senators hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
Travel warning for the Christmas Season in Ontario!
I just wanted to give you a warning that if you are planning on visiting Ontario, and are heading up toward the Ottawa area on the 401 Highway this week. The Ontario Provincial Police are cracking down
on speeders.
For the first offense they are giving two tickets to the Ottawa Senators hockey game.
If you are stopped the second timethey make you use them !!!!
Will printyour versionoff and hang it on the Bulliten board.Will let you know what happens Jaimie
#248
12-17-2007, 12:11 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Why I Love Ontario ....
It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
#249
12-17-2007, 12:12 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
The real Ontario Driver's Handbook
For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 throughToronto , the 2007 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has beenrewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontariodriver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between youand the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in bysomebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance youhave of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-oneexpects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,especially with P.Q. Or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, theother operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure thatyour ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedalviolently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance tostrengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a goodway to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as asuggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour,especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up ormove over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beamsbehind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someonechanging a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home ofhigh-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works,which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keepthem alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of youthat do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it isimportant to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away.Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape fromdanger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead ofthe pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 throughToronto , the 2007 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has beenrewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontariodriver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between youand the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in bysomebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance youhave of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-oneexpects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,especially with P.Q. Or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, theother operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure thatyour ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedalviolently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance tostrengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a goodway to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as asuggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour,especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up ormove over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beamsbehind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someonechanging a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home ofhigh-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works,which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keepthem alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of youthat do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it isimportant to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away.Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape fromdanger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead ofthe pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
#250
12-17-2007, 03:28 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
And I thought the drivers around here were bad!
Just a quick one - - -
A young mother was giving her four year old son a bath. In the middle of his bath the boy looked down at his genitals and said, "Mommie, is that my brains?" She smiled sweetly and said, "Not yet, honey."
Just a quick one - - -
A young mother was giving her four year old son a bath. In the middle of his bath the boy looked down at his genitals and said, "Mommie, is that my brains?" She smiled sweetly and said, "Not yet, honey."