A guy goes into a pet shop looking for an unusual pet. The assistant tells him he has a talking centipede.
Slightly sceptical the pays and takes the centipede home in a matchbox.

Deciding to show off his new pet he asks the centipede if he wants to go to the bar for a beer.

He doesn't get a response, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
he asks again.

Yet again he faces silence. Getting annoyed now the guy opens the matchbox and the centipede says,

"I heard you the first time, I was just putting my shoes on"

 

This is one of my older, all time favorite one-liners...

What do a bottle of 7-up and a Nun have in common?

V

V

V

V

V


Never had it, never will.

 

LOLLLLL

 

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal
whiskey and women with big *****'

 

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to a very
attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot
to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there,"
indicating to the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


The note read:


"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your Garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed Him to return this to the woman.



It read:



"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

 

A 911 operator received an emergency call - - - the caller said he thought his wife was dead. "What do you mean, you THINK your wife is dead?" the operator asked. The caller replied, "Well, I THINK she's dead - - - you see, the sex is the same, but the dirty dishes are piling up."

groannnnn

Rolomac

 

A cop stops a Biker for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give
The biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a
ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays
along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to
tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got
good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry,
so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,
so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my
MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away
my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

Good one cl8ton.

Two hunters were walking through a forested area and came to some open farmland and along the edge was a huge hole. They both cautiously approached the hole and peered down into it. The thing was about 8 ft accross and no bottom was visible. "Wow!" said one of the hunters, "How deep do you suppose that thing is?"

"I don't know" his companion said, "Let's drop something down into it and see how long it takes to hear it hit bottom." So they looked around for something to drop into the hole and found an old Mazda transmission laying in the weeds. They each grabbed one end and lugged it over to the hole, then swung it back and forth to the count of three and heaved it over and into the darkness.

They again peered over the edge and waited to hear a sound indicating the bottom when all of a sudden they heard a rustling in the weeds behind them. They both turned and were shocked to see a hugeugly pit bull coming straight at them. The two hunters stepped to the side and the snarling dog passed right between them and then down into the hole.

They were standing there stunned at what they had seen when a farmer came walking up to them from out of the trees and asked, "You boys seen my dog?"

"Mister," said one of the hunters, "I think he just jumped down into this hole."

"No, he couldn't do that," said the farmer, "I had him chained to an old transmission."

Rolomac

 

Everybody run out of jokes? Here's one I just heard this morning - - -

A job searcher applied at the post office and the interviewer asked him, "Have you been in the military?"

"Yes," he said, "I was in the army for three years."

The interviewer said, "That will give you extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in anyway?"

The applicant answered, "Yes, 100 percent. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my ********* off."

"Well," said the interviewer, "I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am until 5:00pm and you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am."

The applicant was puzzled and said, "If the hours are from 8:00am to 5:00pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer answered, "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our *****. No point in you coming in for that."

Rolomac

 

It's been so busy at work I havn't had time to read any jokes [:@]
Just got this one though:-


Iraqi Hockey Player

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives t he young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star..

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today , we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"