All props to you all! Nice, very funny stories. Haven't heard about these for years. Let me try too...

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love...

After marriage...

it self defense!

 

ANN SUMMERS LINGERIE

Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in Price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and Model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and Get a $150 refund for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband cries out, 'My God! It wasn't thatwrinkled in the shop'.
.
.
His funeral is on Thursday!

 

That's a great one Cl8ton - - -

Here are some new blonde jokes.

- Know why so many blondes live in LA?

It's easy to spell.

- Know how to rescue a sunken submarine filled with blondes?

Just knock on the hatch.

- Know how to tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

white-out on the screen

- Know what a blonde says when she's walking along and sees a banana peel ahead?

"Here we go again"

 

They say you are never too old to learn. I learned something new today.
This is very interesting.







Read on......unbelievable

Be sure to read the final paragraph, but your understanding of it will
depend on the earlier part of the content. This is amazing and very funny.
. . .



The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.



Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads

.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.



Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.



Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.



So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.



And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.



So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder 'What horse's *** came up with it?' you may be exactly right.



Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:



When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter,ut the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.



So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ***.



And you thought being a horse's *** wasn't important? Ancient horse's
asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are
controlling everything else!!

 

xD

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the
other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your
husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher

 

I was out for a walk this morning and stopped at an intersection to wait for the light to change. I noticed standing next to me was a blind man with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden the dog took off and the man followed, stepping right out in front of an oncoming bus. I reached forward and grabbed the man by the shoulder and pulled him back just in time and told him he almost got killed. He thanked me and reached in his pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and proceeded to feed it to the dog. I watched in amazement and told the man that I admired his patience with his dog - not punishing him for what was an honest mistake. "Oh he'll get his punishment" said the man, "I'm just finding out where his head is and then I'm going to kick his ***."

Rolomac

 

Paddy went to the monthly meeting of the Sons of Ireland and proceeded to get roaring drunk with his buddies. During the banquet he stood up to make a toast, saying "Here's to me lovely wife - - - may I spend the rest of me days between her silky thighs." All of the Sons of Ireland roared their approval and agreed that Paddy should be given a prize for his wonderful toast - - - a nice bottle of good Irish whiskey.

When he got home afterwards - - - late - - - Paddy's wife was waiting up for an explanation, which he was prepared to give. "Me darlin', I won the prize for the best toast and had to share the prize with me mates". This caught his wife by surprise and she asked, "And just what was this wonderful toast then?" and Paddy replied, "To the Church, of course, me darlin, the fountain of all that is good". This touched Paddy's wife's heart and she forgave him for the late arrival.

Next day Paddy's wife was doing her shopping and happened to meet Jaimie - - one of Paddy's dear friends and also a member of the Sons of Ireland. "Wonderful toast that dear Paddy gave last night", he said, "It was so deservin' of the prize." Paddy's wife agreed that it was a fine toast and added, "But I am a bit confused by it. You know Paddy's only been there twice and both times I had to grab him by the ears to make him come."

Rolomac

 

Hope that's not too off color !

Rolomac

 

It's a Good One!