A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.?

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a?rectal thermometer?out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some *******'s got my pen!'

 

Chili Contest

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is.

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antoniocity park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from
the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1: Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2: Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting **** faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4: Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped a-- and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6: Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,& sulphuric flames. I s--t myself when I farted andI'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclinedto stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my a-- with a snow cone.

Chili # 7: Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

 

Importance of Walking!


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.


The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.






.............And last but not least,


You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail
it to them!

 

Cl8ton - glad you're back in time to rescue this topic from sliding into oblivion. Great jokes. I've got my ears out for new jokes but just haven't heard any - - - everybody is just bummed from the $4.30 per gal regular.

Rolomac

 

Glad to be back from my trip Rolomac ... now I have a ton of catching up to do.
Here is one for the weekend!


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,

he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.






The parrot, however,

drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,

cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'








To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

 

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses .

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

He said, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today

Rolomac

 

OK! One More


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHEPASSED GASAND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

 

My neighbor, Maynard is getting on in years and has always been the picture of health but was feeling a bit under the weather so decided it was time for a complete physical. He made an appointment and went in for the total exam and after a few days went back for the results. The doctor took him into his office and said, "Maynard, I don't know how to tell you this except just straight up - - - you're going to die."

Maynard was shocked, of course, and said, "Doc - - - that can't be - - - I've always been in great health until just the past few days." The doctor said, "I'm really sorry, Maynard - - - there isn't anything I can do - - - you're going to die." Maynard asked if he should get a second opinion but the doctor said, "It won't do any good, Maynard, the results of your tests are right here in black and white - - - you're going to die and there isn't anything I can do."

Maynard was overwhelmed and said, "Nothing, Doc? Absolutely nothing?"

"Well," said the doctor, "There is a place just down the street that has mineral mud baths - - - you might do those each day."

Filled with new hope, Maynardasked, "Will that help, Doc?

"No," said the doctor, "but it will get you used to being in the dirt."


Rolomac

 

Two five year olds were playing doctor and comparing their "pee-pees".

Susie looked at Bobby's and said, "It looks different from my brother's".

Bobby replies, "That's 'cause I was circumcised."

Susie looked puzzled and asked, "What's that mean?"

"Well," said Bobby, "When I was born they cut the skin off the end."

"Ooooooo," said Susie, "That must have hurt."

Bobby replied, "I didn't walk for almost twelve months."

 

The brand new blonde nurse showed up for her first day at work at the Medical Center. She brought a red pen with her - - - in case she needed to draw blood.

(groan)


Rolomac