ok - so I don't want to see this thread drop off the page because I get some of my best jokes here. The only thing new I have to offer is one that I've been hesitant to post - - - it's a little raw - - - hopefully not too raw (if virgin1 can get away with that great bear photo I should be ok with this one). When I heard it I thought it was absolutely hillarious but I've had mixed reviews when I tell it - - - some people give me a dirty look - - - some chuckle - - - and some do like me and almost crack up. Anyway - - - here it is - - -


Bob went to the doctor for a complete physical and when the doctor was about half done he stepped back and said, "Bob, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Bob asked, "Why, Doc?"

The doctor said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Rolomac

 

here's on for head scratching. it took me a minute to get this one

a buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and tells him, "make me one with everything."

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, The car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the t all grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

My 85 year old neighbor, Billwas having his physical exam and the doctor requested a sperm count. He gave Bill a jar and said "take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day Bill reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was the previous day.

The doctor asked what hapened and Bill explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - - - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, and then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!!! "You asked your neighbor?"

Bill replied, "Yes, none of could get that jar open."


Rolomac

 

Can't remember if this one has been posted ... Old Age Setting In, but not this bad!



- It's Hell Getting Old

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said,
'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little,
but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his pants.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.
Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear,
all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison
'We were at your birthday party yesterday

 

the grass cutting thing was the best and the bear hehe. ok i got one
so these 2 blondes decide to rob a bank. they get it all planned and everything. so on the time of the day the smarter blonde tells the other one okay what ill do is stay in the car while you tie up the guard and blow the safe. the other blonde says ok. she asks her before do you got it? the other blonde goes yes. so she goes in and the smarter blonde is waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. then she sees the other blonde and here she is with a safe with a rope tied to it. so they get it in the car and see a security guard with his pants down around his ankles. the smarter blonde goes "NO I said tie up the guard and blow the safe" lol

 

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up tothe truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be badthroughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped backinto bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupidhusband is out fishing in that ?'

I still don't know if she was joking.

Rolomac

 

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
insistent that the boy asks his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'Some *** hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet
here. Where are you from son?'

'Canada, sir,' The boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' The manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but ****** and hockey players up
there.'

'Really,' replied the manager? 'My wife is from Canada!'

'Get outta here!!!' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

 

more cop pics

[IMG]local://upfiles/18685/6DADC3762ED24A06A155F4D45F52BC2A.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]local://upfiles/18685/8F85656C4BCD4F61B6EA2CBD7A1F7643.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]local://upfiles/18685/86305FB6B4D44FA88F48D7039B3E54EB.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]local://upfiles/18685/65EF463DE0164E8CB46BB866A2ACD693.jpg[/IMG]

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,
sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

My darling wife,
I know that you are probably very surprised to hear from me but I was pleased to learn
that they now have computers here for everybody to use. I had a very un-eventful time
on my trip here; everything went very smoothly. I hope you are able to get all of the loose ends tied up before you come to join me and that your trip is as pleasant as mine was. Looking forward to seeing you on Friday.

your loving husband

ps - it's hotter than the dickens down here