My cousin Bubba took a trip to Spain and while he was there took in a bullfight, which he said was exciting and interesting. After the event he was walking back to his hotel and passed a restaurant that had wonderful smells coming out of the door. Since he had missed lunch he decided to stop in to have a bite. As the waiter was seating him he passed a table where another diner was just being served a delicious looking platter with two large sauce covered meat *****. He asked the waiter about this and was told that it was bull's ********* from the bullfight that day. Well Bubba is adventurous so said he'd try that too. When his meal was served Bubba was delighted to find that it was absolutely delicious.

Next day Bubba was still remembering that great meal and since he only had a short time left in Spain decided he'd go back to that restaurant and have it again. He walked in and was seated and the waiter remembered him from the day before. Bubba reminded the waiter what he'd had the day before and asked for it again. However, this time when the platter was put before him the meat ***** were much smaller. Bubba pointed this out to the waiter who simply shrugged and said, "Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins."

 

Hate to see this topic slip off the page - - - I get some great jokes here - - - so here is a quick one to keep it front and center - - -

An elegant lady poked her head inside the door of a barber shop and asked, "Bob Peters here?" Without missing a snip the barber replied, "No ma'am, just shaves and haircuts."

Rolomac

 

Heres a couple...not super funny but made me laugh.

FOOTBALL AND THE BLOND......

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big
muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25
cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all
they kept screamin g was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"



__________________________________________________ _________

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose !!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS!

 

The football game/ girlfriend joke had me instantly picturing this dumb LA girl I know! lol

 

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

Giving her a stern look, he replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have *****."

There was a moment of silence while she continued to smile and tried not to laugh. Realizing what he'd just said, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left without saying another word. The women broke down and laughed so hard it was another 10 minutes before she could pull herself together and start her car.

 

while we're on the topic of funny...has anyone seen the Best Man Fail video on failblog.org? It's hilarious.

 

Keep this handy guide in your work shop.....

[/align]DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'What the....??'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.[/align]
[/align]PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.[/align]
[/align]BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.[/align]
[/align]HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.[/align]
[/align]VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.[/align]
[/align]WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.[/align]
[/align]OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.[/align]
[/align]HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.[/align]
[/align]EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.[/align]
[/align]E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.[/align]
[/align]BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.[/align]
[/align]TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.[/align]
[/align]CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.[/align]
[/align]PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids andfor opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.[/align]
[/align]STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.[/align]
[/align]PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.[/align]
[/align]HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.[/align]
[/align]MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.[/align]
[/align]"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



[/align]

 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.[/align]


[/align][/align]
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
"1957, ma'am."[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! " She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"[/align][/align]
[/align][/align]
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."[/align][/align][/align][/align]
[/align]

 

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor mother thru?"

The buxom young girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff - - - daddy - - - I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to our fine Catholic family."

"Ok, Daddy" she replied, "As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, this gold Rolex for me little brother, and for ye, Daddy, the new Mazda parked outside. And I wanted to invite ye all to spend the holidays on board my yacht on the Riviera."

"Now wait a minute", says Dad, "What was it ye said ye had become?"

The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff, - - - a prostitute daddy."

"Oh be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I though ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug."

Rolomac

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOL i like how you put in the mazda thing hehe