This one had me cracking up
#371
01-20-2009, 07:01 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
A highway patrol officer pulled aMazda Miataover about two miles north of here.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding he answered
that he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to do a show
at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The officer told the driver that the Shrine Circus is a fine thing and if the
driver would do a little juggling to prove his storythen maybe he wouldn't give
him a speeding ticket.
The driver answered that the Miata's trunk was too small to carry all
of his equipment so he had sent it on ahead so didn't have anything
to juggle. However, the officer said that he had some flares in the trunk
of his patrol car and asked if the juggler/driver could use them.
The juggler said "you betcha" so the officer got three flares, lit them and
handed them to the juggler who immediately demonstrated his skill,
dazzling the officer with the whirling flares up and around and over and
under in an amazing performance.
Meanwhile, one of our local drunks was driving by and seeing all the
whirling lights pulled over to a stop, watched for a bit and then went
over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The officer saw him doing this and went over to his patrol car, opened
the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well just take me straight to jail, because
there is no damn way I can pass that test."
Rolomac
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding he answered
that he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to do a show
at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The officer told the driver that the Shrine Circus is a fine thing and if the
driver would do a little juggling to prove his storythen maybe he wouldn't give
him a speeding ticket.
The driver answered that the Miata's trunk was too small to carry all
of his equipment so he had sent it on ahead so didn't have anything
to juggle. However, the officer said that he had some flares in the trunk
of his patrol car and asked if the juggler/driver could use them.
The juggler said "you betcha" so the officer got three flares, lit them and
handed them to the juggler who immediately demonstrated his skill,
dazzling the officer with the whirling flares up and around and over and
under in an amazing performance.
Meanwhile, one of our local drunks was driving by and seeing all the
whirling lights pulled over to a stop, watched for a bit and then went
over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The officer saw him doing this and went over to his patrol car, opened
the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well just take me straight to jail, because
there is no damn way I can pass that test."
Rolomac
#372
01-21-2009, 10:23 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
I'm guessing that you have personalized this for the sake of the forum but I have to ask, is this a true story?
Either way, it"s a funny story... except maybe the part about the drunk driving anything. That"s sad.
Either way, it"s a funny story... except maybe the part about the drunk driving anything. That"s sad.
#374
01-23-2009, 03:38 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
Glad you liked it Jaimie - here's another one I just got - - -
Fred and Susan met on the first day of a weeklong Alaskan cruise and it was head-over-heels love at first sight. They were inseperable for the entire week and their feelings for each other grew and grew. On the last night of the cruise, while having an intimate dinner together Fred said, "Susan - - - I think that we both know that this is a wonderful thing we've found and we just can't let it go by the wayside. If we're going to go on with ourlives together I think we need to be completely open and honest with each other. I have to confess to you that I am a golfer. I play golf as much as I possibly can. I eat, sleep and breathe golf. I can't drive by a golf course in my Mazda without stopping and playing at least one round. It's an obsession that I just can't get over and I hope you can learn to love me in spite of it."
Susan gazed into Fred's eyes and murmered that her love for him could overcome that, but she also needed to confess something. "Fred", she said, "I'm a hooker."
Fred sat silently for a few moments and the emotions of the situation were heavy. Finally, Fred took Susan's hand and gazing intently at her, he said, "Maybe you're keeping your wrists too tight when you tee off."
Rolomac
Fred and Susan met on the first day of a weeklong Alaskan cruise and it was head-over-heels love at first sight. They were inseperable for the entire week and their feelings for each other grew and grew. On the last night of the cruise, while having an intimate dinner together Fred said, "Susan - - - I think that we both know that this is a wonderful thing we've found and we just can't let it go by the wayside. If we're going to go on with ourlives together I think we need to be completely open and honest with each other. I have to confess to you that I am a golfer. I play golf as much as I possibly can. I eat, sleep and breathe golf. I can't drive by a golf course in my Mazda without stopping and playing at least one round. It's an obsession that I just can't get over and I hope you can learn to love me in spite of it."
Susan gazed into Fred's eyes and murmered that her love for him could overcome that, but she also needed to confess something. "Fred", she said, "I'm a hooker."
Fred sat silently for a few moments and the emotions of the situation were heavy. Finally, Fred took Susan's hand and gazing intently at her, he said, "Maybe you're keeping your wrists too tight when you tee off."
Rolomac
#375
02-28-2009, 10:22 AM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
keeping this going
Wow - - - I don't want to see this thread drop off the page - - - I get some of my best jokes here. And I just got a new one that cracked me up - - - just have to share it - - -
I was out for my morning walk yesterday and took the route that goes past a daycare center in the neighborhood. It's a very secure place and is surrounded by an eight foot fence along three sides and a wrought iron gate on the other side. As I walked along the walkway past the fence I could here the children on the other side of the fence but I couldn't see them because the fence is so solid. As I walked and listened to the kids I realized that they were chanting - - - over and over - - - "thirteen"
"thirteen"
"thirteen"
"thirteen"
"thirteen"
Well of course I was curious about what they were doing behind that fence but couldn't see them so continued on my way. Up ahead I saw that there was a knot-hole in the fence about four feet high and just couldn't resist. I stooped down to peek in and see what this chanting was all about.
Just as I put my eye to the knot-hole somebody on the other side of the fence shoved a stick through and it poked my eye painfully. I jerked away and have to admit that I said some bad words as I pressed my palm to my eye. It hurt like heck. As I stood there in pain I suddenly realized that the chanting had changed. Now they were chanting - - -
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
Rolomac
I was out for my morning walk yesterday and took the route that goes past a daycare center in the neighborhood. It's a very secure place and is surrounded by an eight foot fence along three sides and a wrought iron gate on the other side. As I walked along the walkway past the fence I could here the children on the other side of the fence but I couldn't see them because the fence is so solid. As I walked and listened to the kids I realized that they were chanting - - - over and over - - - "thirteen"
"thirteen"
"thirteen"
"thirteen"
"thirteen"
Well of course I was curious about what they were doing behind that fence but couldn't see them so continued on my way. Up ahead I saw that there was a knot-hole in the fence about four feet high and just couldn't resist. I stooped down to peek in and see what this chanting was all about.
Just as I put my eye to the knot-hole somebody on the other side of the fence shoved a stick through and it poked my eye painfully. I jerked away and have to admit that I said some bad words as I pressed my palm to my eye. It hurt like heck. As I stood there in pain I suddenly realized that the chanting had changed. Now they were chanting - - -
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
"fourteen"
Rolomac
#376
03-14-2009, 11:08 PM
two families live in ireland and both of the men of the house work at the Guinness brewery. one of the women comes over to the others house one day and gives her the bad news that her husband is dead. she tells the woman: "he fell in a vat of Guinness and drowned."
the other woman is shaken and asks "did he suffer long?"
the woman replies "no, they said he got out three times to pee"
the other woman is shaken and asks "did he suffer long?"
the woman replies "no, they said he got out three times to pee"
#377
03-28-2009, 03:25 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
YeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaawwwwwww
A pretty young lady from the city bought a new Mazda and took it for a road trip across country and ended up in Arizona. Not being familiar with the wide open spaces and long distances between towns she ended up on a lonely stretch of desert road - - - out of gas. She was standing there bewildered and wondering what to do when a handsome young Indian rode up on his spirited pony. Seeing the predicament she was in, he offered to take her on his horse to the nearest gas station where she could get some help. Seeing that she didn't have much choice, she agreed and after a bit of a struggle managed to get up on the horse behind him. Off they went across the desert and the ride was actually quite pleasant for her except that the young Indian every so often would let out a yell - - - "YeeeeeeeeHaaaaawwwww" - - - then would ride on in silence for a while and then do it again - - - "YeeeeeeeeeHaaaaawwwwwwww". Thinking it must be some native American custom she didn't let it bother her.
He let out one last yell - - - "YeeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaawwwwwww" - - - as he rode up to a desert gas station and let her off then rode off in a cloud of dust. The station attendant observed this and asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" She replied, "Well, I don't really know. I was just trying to keep from falling off. I put my arms around him and held on to the saddle horn and he kept making that sound."
The station attendant looked at her with amusement and said. "Honey, Indians don't use saddles."
Rolomac
He let out one last yell - - - "YeeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaawwwwwww" - - - as he rode up to a desert gas station and let her off then rode off in a cloud of dust. The station attendant observed this and asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" She replied, "Well, I don't really know. I was just trying to keep from falling off. I put my arms around him and held on to the saddle horn and he kept making that sound."
The station attendant looked at her with amusement and said. "Honey, Indians don't use saddles."
Rolomac
#378
04-02-2009, 09:46 AM
For real.
Yesterday I had a lot of spring house projects to do. With both arms loaded with stuff, I shut the car door with my butt, then saw my wallet and keys on the car seat !
By the time I managed to scrounge an old-fashioned wire coat hanger from a local shop, and frigged and fiddled with it 'til I finally popped the lock, an hour and a half in cold drizzling rain had gone by.
I finished my local errands, then hit the autoroute to go to a town nearby to pick up a sewer rooter I had rented.
As soon as I hit motorway speed I noticed the noise and cold coming through the rear passenger side window which was down so far I could nearly have crawled into the freakin' car !
I picked up the sewer rooter, but figured even if it costs an extra day's rent, I'm damned if I'm going to use it today, because after what I just did, I just know freakin' well where the tip of that rooter is going to end up one way or another !
When I finish the sewer job I'm seriously thinking of mounting the coat hanger I used to unlock the car door on a wooden plaque over the fireplace, kind of a Darwin award.
Yesterday I had a lot of spring house projects to do. With both arms loaded with stuff, I shut the car door with my butt, then saw my wallet and keys on the car seat !
By the time I managed to scrounge an old-fashioned wire coat hanger from a local shop, and frigged and fiddled with it 'til I finally popped the lock, an hour and a half in cold drizzling rain had gone by.
I finished my local errands, then hit the autoroute to go to a town nearby to pick up a sewer rooter I had rented.
As soon as I hit motorway speed I noticed the noise and cold coming through the rear passenger side window which was down so far I could nearly have crawled into the freakin' car !
I picked up the sewer rooter, but figured even if it costs an extra day's rent, I'm damned if I'm going to use it today, because after what I just did, I just know freakin' well where the tip of that rooter is going to end up one way or another !
When I finish the sewer job I'm seriously thinking of mounting the coat hanger I used to unlock the car door on a wooden plaque over the fireplace, kind of a Darwin award.
#379
04-02-2009, 03:29 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
The recession
I just thought I'd let you know how bad the recession really is. It's so bad that in our little community the town prostitute is still a virgin.
Rolomac
Rolomac
#380
04-13-2009, 09:17 AM
There was a young man fresh out of college and decides to open up an insurance company. Buisness wasn't going well at all. So one day a big shot guy walks in and the insurance guy (BOB) has to make it look like he's doing something. Bob picked up the phone and had a very buisness like phone call. He hung up the phone and walked over to the big shot dude. Bob says "Sorry to have you waiting sir, may i help you?" So the big shot guy was like....ya,..i came here to turn on your phone lines