This one had me cracking up
#381
05-14-2009, 03:33 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"
The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Neuter me," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.
"Looks like I'm going to be neutered too, the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, neutering for you too, huh?"
The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"
The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Neuter me," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.
"Looks like I'm going to be neutered too, the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, neutering for you too, huh?"
The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
#383
06-01-2009, 10:09 AM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
I'm just passing this thought along .....
Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day !!!
I'm just passing this thought along .....
Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day !!!
#384
06-01-2009, 10:11 AM
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the
dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in
heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child.'Go ask your father. I think
he's in the garage.The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad,
may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag,
soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
leash
and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes
later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about
halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in
heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child.'Go ask your father. I think
he's in the garage.The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad,
may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag,
soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
leash
and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes
later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about
halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
#386
06-01-2009, 11:29 AM
Frozen Crabs:
A man boarded an airplane in Stevenville NFLD with a box of frozen crabs.
A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in NFLD, please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
A man boarded an airplane in Stevenville NFLD with a box of frozen crabs.
A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in NFLD, please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
#388
06-01-2009, 11:34 AM
New Standard Operating Procedures released today. Please learn.
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
#389
06-01-2009, 11:37 AM
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Ottawa to Winnipeg .
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'
#390
06-01-2009, 11:38 AM
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.
Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table or pole dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, and Naked Twister!
WARNINGS: -
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.
Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table or pole dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, and Naked Twister!
WARNINGS: -
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!