This one had me cracking up
#391
06-01-2009, 11:41 AM
It is with great sadness that we inform you that Kermit the Frog has died at the age of 54.
1955-2009
Swine Flu has been determined to be the cause of death.
His last words were “That damn pig told me she was clean”
1955-2009
Swine Flu has been determined to be the cause of death.
His last words were “That damn pig told me she was clean”
#392
06-01-2009, 11:43 AM
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."
#393
06-01-2009, 11:45 AM
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It only took 100 years for men to realize that protecting the brain is also important
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It only took 100 years for men to realize that protecting the brain is also important
#395
06-01-2009, 11:58 AM
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
Either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
Either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
#396
06-01-2009, 11:59 AM
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid ' s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug..
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer..
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer..
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer..
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer..
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid ' s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug..
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer..
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer..
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer..
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer..
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
#397
06-01-2009, 12:01 PM
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?
The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus, I t'aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the friggin' skippin'
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?
The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus, I t'aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the friggin' skippin'
#399
06-02-2009, 03:35 PM
No Problem rolomac... I a very large list of jokes to post after being away for so long.
Only one for today though...
THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
He never even had a chance to duck.
Only one for today though...
THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
He never even had a chance to duck.
#400
06-02-2009, 10:37 PM
A marine off on a 3 day pass during which he drank himself into oblivion returns to consciousness with a mouth like the bottom of a birdcage and the mother of all hangovers.
By the light of a flashing neon sign near the window, he sees he is in bed between two women in a small fetid room.
On his right is a 400 lb. behemoth, resembling a beached whale and smelling about as bad, snoring and snuffling.
On his left is a hideous 70 lb. 80 something year old crone, asleep; on her bedside table is a water glass containing upper and lower dentures, plus a glass eye.
Not surprisingly, our hero decides to discretely exit the scene. Seeing that surmounting the whale was mission impossible, he opts to crawl over the old crone and almost makes good his escape, when her one good eye opens, and with a toothless leer she says, "Oh dear merciful Jesus sweetheart, not again: I'm only the bridesmaid !"
By the light of a flashing neon sign near the window, he sees he is in bed between two women in a small fetid room.
On his right is a 400 lb. behemoth, resembling a beached whale and smelling about as bad, snoring and snuffling.
On his left is a hideous 70 lb. 80 something year old crone, asleep; on her bedside table is a water glass containing upper and lower dentures, plus a glass eye.
Not surprisingly, our hero decides to discretely exit the scene. Seeing that surmounting the whale was mission impossible, he opts to crawl over the old crone and almost makes good his escape, when her one good eye opens, and with a toothless leer she says, "Oh dear merciful Jesus sweetheart, not again: I'm only the bridesmaid !"