This one had me cracking up
#71
07-10-2007, 12:50 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: cl8ton
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?"
The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?"
The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
lol
#72
07-10-2007, 09:21 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
More Church Humor
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. [/align]
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk: “Are you ready to find Jesus?"
“Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end; so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher: "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?[/align][/align][/align][/align]
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. [/align]
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk: “Are you ready to find Jesus?"
“Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end; so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher: "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?[/align][/align][/align][/align]
#73
07-11-2007, 05:12 PM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Late to work, a man is speeding one morning. Coming over a bridge he gets busted by a state trooper with a radar gun. After catching up to him the cop pulls him over. A little cocky, the trooper slowly walks up to the car seeing the man is slightly getting impatient. He goes throught the regular process of getting the information he needs to write out the citation. Sarcasticaly the trooper asks "late for work eh?"
"yes" drones the man.
"must be *VERY* important work to risk a ticket to get to work so quickly" not hiding his smile.
Slowly looking over to the trooper then nodding. Lifts an eyebrow "why yes.... yes it is."
Curiously now "really?"
"You betcaha!" exclamed the man.
"Well do tell"
"I'm a rectum stretcher"
"Really!"
"Yes, sir!"
"And what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, first I stick my pinky finger in and work it around til it's about an inch. Then Istick in another finger and losen it up for about six inches. Finally I stick in both hands and work it out till about six feet or so"
"Oh my gosh really!! What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?!"
"Simple, we give them radar guns and put them near bridges"
"yes" drones the man.
"must be *VERY* important work to risk a ticket to get to work so quickly" not hiding his smile.
Slowly looking over to the trooper then nodding. Lifts an eyebrow "why yes.... yes it is."
Curiously now "really?"
"You betcaha!" exclamed the man.
"Well do tell"
"I'm a rectum stretcher"
"Really!"
"Yes, sir!"
"And what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, first I stick my pinky finger in and work it around til it's about an inch. Then Istick in another finger and losen it up for about six inches. Finally I stick in both hands and work it out till about six feet or so"
"Oh my gosh really!! What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?!"
"Simple, we give them radar guns and put them near bridges"
#74
07-14-2007, 03:45 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
I found a cuckoo clock at a flea market a couple of weeks back - got a great deal on it and it's beautiful. Hand carved black oak and a brass pendulum and all kinds of intricate designs. Guy told me it keeps perfect time and cuckoos on the hour. Great - I always wanted one so I forked over the money and took it home. Cleaned it up a bit, wound it up and hung it and sure enough it ran just fine and at the stroke of noon cuckood twelve times. I was real happy with it but then started to notice something - - - it had a peculiar sound - - - tick tick tick --- not tick tock tick tock tick tock --- but tick tick tick. No tock! In the next few days that started to bother me more and more even though the old thing kept perfect time and cuckood each hour just like the guy said. I showed it to by brother-in-law and he noticed it right away. "Hey", he said, "It goes tick tick tick instead of tick tock tick tock tick tock." I told him I knew it and was getting really bummed out about it. I wanted the tick tock tick tock tick tock that I remember from when I was a kid at my grandmother's house listening to her old cuckoo clock. Well, my brother-in-law suggested a clock repair shop he knew about across town. Said it was run by an old German gentleman (probably a refugee ****) who specialized in cuckoo clocks. So today I drove over there and found it - "Fritz's Clock Shop - Cuckoos Our Specialty" - the sign read. Icarried the clock in and was amazed by the place. Clocks hanging all around - all of them running and all of them going tick tock tick tock tick tock. Fritz came out of the back room and I showed him the clock and explained the problem - tick tick tick, not tick tock tick tock tick tock. Fritz picked up the clock and held it firmly in both hands right in front of his face. I could see that even with his age he had the posture of a military man and his steely eyes were piercing as he glared at the face of the clock and in a low voice said - - -
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"Ve haf vaysto make you tok."
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"Ve haf vaysto make you tok."
#75
07-16-2007, 07:23 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
ORIGINAL: rolomac
I found a cuckoo clock at a flea market a couple of weeks back - got a great deal on it and it's beautiful. Hand carved black oak and a brass pendulum and all kinds of intricate designs. Guy told me it keeps perfect time and cuckoos on the hour. Great - I always wanted one so I forked over the money and took it home. Cleaned it up a bit, wound it up and hung it and sure enough it ran just fine and at the stroke of noon cuckood twelve times. I was real happy with it but then started to notice something - - - it had a peculiar sound - - - tick tick tick --- not tick tock tick tock tick tock --- but tick tick tick. No tock! In the next few days that started to bother me more and more even though the old thing kept perfect time and cuckood each hour just like the guy said. I showed it to by brother-in-law and he noticed it right away. "Hey", he said, "It goes tick tick tick instead of tick tock tick tock tick tock." I told him I knew it and was getting really bummed out about it. I wanted the tick tock tick tock tick tock that I remember from when I was a kid at my grandmother's house listening to her old cuckoo clock. Well, my brother-in-law suggested a clock repair shop he knew about across town. Said it was run by an old German gentleman (probably a refugee ****) who specialized in cuckoo clocks. So today I drove over there and found it - "Fritz's Clock Shop - Cuckoos Our Specialty" - the sign read. Icarried the clock in and was amazed by the place. Clocks hanging all around - all of them running and all of them going tick tock tick tock tick tock. Fritz came out of the back room and I showed him the clock and explained the problem - tick tick tick, not tick tock tick tock tick tock. Fritz picked up the clock and held it firmly in both hands right in front of his face. I could see that even with his age he had the posture of a military man and his steely eyes were piercing as he glared at the face of the clock and in a low voice said - - -
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
"Ve haf vaysto make you tok."
I found a cuckoo clock at a flea market a couple of weeks back - got a great deal on it and it's beautiful. Hand carved black oak and a brass pendulum and all kinds of intricate designs. Guy told me it keeps perfect time and cuckoos on the hour. Great - I always wanted one so I forked over the money and took it home. Cleaned it up a bit, wound it up and hung it and sure enough it ran just fine and at the stroke of noon cuckood twelve times. I was real happy with it but then started to notice something - - - it had a peculiar sound - - - tick tick tick --- not tick tock tick tock tick tock --- but tick tick tick. No tock! In the next few days that started to bother me more and more even though the old thing kept perfect time and cuckood each hour just like the guy said. I showed it to by brother-in-law and he noticed it right away. "Hey", he said, "It goes tick tick tick instead of tick tock tick tock tick tock." I told him I knew it and was getting really bummed out about it. I wanted the tick tock tick tock tick tock that I remember from when I was a kid at my grandmother's house listening to her old cuckoo clock. Well, my brother-in-law suggested a clock repair shop he knew about across town. Said it was run by an old German gentleman (probably a refugee ****) who specialized in cuckoo clocks. So today I drove over there and found it - "Fritz's Clock Shop - Cuckoos Our Specialty" - the sign read. Icarried the clock in and was amazed by the place. Clocks hanging all around - all of them running and all of them going tick tock tick tock tick tock. Fritz came out of the back room and I showed him the clock and explained the problem - tick tick tick, not tick tock tick tock tick tock. Fritz picked up the clock and held it firmly in both hands right in front of his face. I could see that even with his age he had the posture of a military man and his steely eyes were piercing as he glared at the face of the clock and in a low voice said - - -
---
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---
---
---
---
---
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"Ve haf vaysto make you tok."
I Like It!!!
#76
07-16-2007, 07:25 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs forwrad it
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I
cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng
is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs forwrad it
#77
07-16-2007, 07:27 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. [/align]
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. 'Well,' he says, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord.'
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'[/align][/align][/align]
[/align]
#79
07-17-2007, 07:38 AM
RE: This one had me cracking up
Glad you like it!
I only got this one today.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES . . . THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT
OF STAIRS.
I only got this one today.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES . . . THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT
OF STAIRS.
#80
07-17-2007, 03:21 PM
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern California (FAR Northern California)
Posts: 147
RE: This one had me cracking up
My Uncle Charlie is quite a drinker and when his best drinking buddy recently died, Uncle Charlie managed to get himself sober enough to go to the funeral. When he got there he saw his buddy's widow standing silently by the coffin gazing down at his old drinking pal. Wanting to show his compassion, Uncle Charlie went to her side and put his arm around her shoulder to give her a little hug. The widow turned to him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh Charlie, he looks so sad doesn't he?" Charlie looked at his old drinking buddy and said, "Well he should - he hasn't had a drink for three days!"
Rolomac
Rolomac