LOL!

that's logical.
but would you still date her if she quit wearing makeup?
even if you were drunk from all the beer.

 

yay! i finally got one!!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude, gross & disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?

 

Fantastic!!!

 

I don't know why I get these... Sorry

ALL PUNS INTENDED [/align] [/align]1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. [/align] [/align]2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." [/align] [/align]3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted. [/align] [/align]4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. [/align] [/align]5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road." [/align] [/align]6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" [/align] [/align]7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." [/align]"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual " [/align] [/align]8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy. [/align] [/align]9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. [/align] [/align]10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. [/align] [/align]11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. [/align] [/align]12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" [/align]The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!" [/align] [/align]13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. [/align] [/align]14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish. [/align]
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" [/align] [/align]16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. [/align] [/align]17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. [/align]"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." [/align] [/align]18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." [/align] [/align]19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. [/align]This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed byhalitosis. [/align] [/align]

 

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got
a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you
never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor
said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but
the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their
options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the
day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm
getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and
said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to
find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became
violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor
assisted
living apartment . Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the
judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began
coolly, "Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex ..
He could fly."

 

All hilarious ones and a great break from the daily grind to get on and read. I thought the jumbled letter one was odd at first from Cl8ton but when I started to read it just popped right out. that is really weird that your mind could just process that out and makes sense of it all. Here is what I read out from it. I liked it.

If you can read this, you have a strange mind too
Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100 can. I couldn't believe that i could actually understand what I was reading. The phenomenal power of the human mind, according to a research at Cambridge University, it doesn't matter in what order the letters in a words are, the only important thing is that the first and last letter be in the right place. The rest can be a total mess and you can still read it without a problem, This is because the human mind does not read every letter by itself, but the word as a whole. Amazing huh? Yeah and I always thought spelling was important! If you can read this forward it.

Here is another drinking one.

Old Paddy worked at the local brewery.
One evening he did not come home but instead the supervisor showed up at the door of his house and told his wife that he was very sorry to report that Paddy had died today at the brewery.
His wife was in shock but asked what had happened.
The supervisor said that he had fallen into a beer vat and had drowned.
She said " Well I hope he did not suffer at all"
"We don't think so," the supervisor said, " he got out four times to pee."

 

There a a lot of good ones out there for sure... This one reminds me of The Art Linkletter Show..

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
[b][b][font="comic sans ms"][color=black][size=5]Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. [/s

 

hahaha

 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
bucks, and fiftybucks is fifty bucks."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty bucks, and Fifty
bucksis fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
Ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty bucks."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
When Esther fell out, but you know, fiftybucks is fifty bucks."

 

13 Reasons to Smile....


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to become Prime Minister and over fifty for Miss Australia ?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"