Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along.

 

THE COWBOY


A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

 

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to the barstool and sits and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while he yells at the bartender, "hey wanna hear a blonde joke"
It gets quiet, and the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke cowboy, I better warn you, the bartender is blonde with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I am 6 foot tall with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is a weight lifter, the lady to your right is a blonde professional boxer, now tell me cowboy, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
He thinks for a moment and says, ya, your right... I dont wanna explain it that many times...

 

The ********* of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The
midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left ******** and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"A ha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
********, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his ********* still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his ***** were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did
you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in
a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at
six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to
his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my *********..'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your *********?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'..

 

WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK


Last week I checked into my hotel and was a bit lonely.
I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such, so
I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call ...... "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated, I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and 'Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

THIS IS A VERY VERY TRUE, AND LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT!!!!!!


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the **** Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shi**y outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your Butt and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

 

I guess that is the reason why I wake up some mornings and just can't see my *** going into work.

 

Yep... Been There!

 

a guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "give me a double of scotch."

the bartender gives him the drink, he drinks it, and proceeds to leave. the bartender stops him.

"hey, you owe me $4 for the shot." the man tells him,

"i told you to GIVE me a shot and you GAVE it to me. we made no other agreement on price. i don't owe you anything."

a lawyer on another bar stool tells the bartender that the man is right.

"alright, you got away with one from me. don't let me ever catch you in here again," said the bartender.

the next day, the man shows up again. the bartender tells him, "i told you yesterday not to ever come into this bar again. what the hell are you doing here?"

the man says, "i don't know what you are talking about. i have never been in here in my life."

the bartender apologizes, "i'm sorry. you must have a double."

the man replies, "thanks, make it a scotch."